"ABBOTT & COSTELLO LEARN HEBREW"
by Rabbi Jack Moline

Abbott I see you're here for your Hebrew lesson.
Costello: I'm ready to learn.

Abbott: Now, the first thing you must understand. is that Hebrew and English have many words which sound alike, but they do not mean the same thing.
Costello: Sure, I understand.

Abbott: Now, don't be too quick to say that.
Costello: How stupid do you think I am? Don't answer that. It's simple-some words in Hebrew sound like words in English, but they don't mean the same.

Abbott: Precisely.
Costello: We have that word in English, too. What does it mean in Hebrew?

Abbott: No, no. Precisely is an English word.
Costello: I didn't come here to learn English, I came to learn Hebrew. So make with the Hebrew.

Abbott: Fine. Let's start with mee.
Costello: You.

Abbott: No, mee.
Costello: Fine, we'll start with you.

Abbott: No, we'll start with mee.
Costello: Okay, have it your way.

Abbott: Now, mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.

Abbott: No, no, no. Mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.

Abbott: You don't understand.
Costello: I don't understand? Did you just say me is who?

Abbott: Yes I did. Mee is who.
Costello: You is Abbott.

Abbott: No, You misunderstand what I am saying. Tell me about mee.
Costello: Well, you're a nice enough guy.

Abbott: No, no. Tell me about mee!
Costello: Who?

Abbott: Precisely.
Costello: Precisely what?

Abbott: Precisely who.
Costello: It's precisely whom!

Abbott: No, mee is who.
Costello: Don't start that again-go on to something else.

Abbott: All right. Hu is he.
Costello: Who is he?

Abbott: Yes.
Costello: I don't know. Who is he?

Abbott: Sure you do. You just said it.
Costello: I just said what?

Abbott: Hu is he.
Costello: Who is he?

Abbott: Precisely.
Costello: Again with the precisely! Precisely who?

Abbott: No, precisely hee.
Costello: Precisely he? Who is he?

Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: And what about me?

Abbott: Who.
Costello: Me, me, me!

Abbott: Who, who, who!
Costello: What are you, an owl? Me! Who is me?

Abbott: No, hu is he!
Costello: I don't know; maybe he is me!

Abbott: No, hee is she!
Costello: (STARE AT ABBOTT) Do his parents know about this?

Abbott: About what?
Costello: About her!

Abbott: What about her?
Costello: That she is he!

Abbott: No, you've got it wrong-hee is she!
Costello: Then who is he?

Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: Who?

Abbott: He!
Costello: Me?

Abbott: Who!
Costello: He?

Abbott: She!
Costello: Who is she?

Abbott: No, hu is he.
Costello: I don't care who is he; I want to know who is she?

Abbott: No, that's not right.
Costello: How can it not be right? I said it. I was standing here when I said it, and I know me.

Abbott: Who.
Costello: Who?

Abbott: Precisely!
Costello: Me! Me is that he you are talking about! He is me!

Abbott: No, hee is she!
Costello: Wait a Minute, wait a minute! I'm trying to learn a little Hebrew, and now I can't even speak English. Let me review.

Abbott: Go ahead.
Costello: Now first You want to know me is who.

Abbott: Correct.
Costello: And then you say who is he.

Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: And then you tell me he is she.

Abbott & Costello: Precisely!
Costello: Now look at this logically. If me is who. And who is he. And he is she. Don't it stand to reason that me is she?

Abbott: Who!
Costello: She!

Abbott: That is hee!
Costello: Who is he?

Abbott & Costello: Precisely!
Costello: I have just about had it. You have me confused I want to go home. You know what I want? Ma!

Abbott: What.
Costello: I said Ma.

Abbott: What.
Costello: What are you, deaf? I want Ma!

Abbott: What!
Costello: Not what, who!

Abbott: He!
Costello: Not he! Ma is not he!

Abbott: Of course not! Hu is he!
Costello: I don't know. I don't know. I don't care. I don't care who is he, he is she, me is who, ma is what. I just want to go home now and
play with my dog.

Abbott: Fish.
Costello: Fish?

Abbott: Dag is fish.
Costello: That's all, I'm outa here.